NOT FOR THE COMEDICALLY CHALLENGED (Substitute whatever gender makes this work for you, or not) BTW it’s April 1st, 2026…

Yesterday’s man or woman used to think, “If I need to find someone this way, I’m already lost!” But today, nobody has the time to drive around and look at all the open houses—the potential homebuyer’s version of “speed dating.” So we turn to the apps.

We’ve all seen those vintage ads for the “scientific” dating sites—where they try to convince us that we’re matched by an algorithm that probably thinks “enjoys hiking” is a unique personality trait. These people are just regular folks like yourself, not circus freaks, bot-driven scammers, or couch-humping nut jobs. The product of your union will be an “Everlasting Love!”

But… if you’re still a hopeless romantic, a word of advice… look beyond the curb appeal! Speaking of which… matchmaking and the promise of finding that perfect property is as simple as opening Hinge or Tinder and searching for true love!

No doubt every prospective buyer, seller, and agent has heard of the Multiple Listing Service (MLS). It’s the real estate agent’s “on the make” equivalent of a dating profile. Agents even have their own codes to inform potential suitors. Possibly, the dating apps should implement this kind of methodology into their “reasons to run for the hills!”

• NEW: A new listing! The competition will be lining up for the first dance. A new listing has that “special glow”… usually thanks to a heavy-duty Instagram filter and some strategic lighting.
• ACTIVE: Active listing. This gal has been swiped right on plenty, but so far, no one wants to sign the papers.
• DOM (Days on the Market): Everyone watches this number like the expiration date on a carton of milk. It’s the ultimate indicator of freshness. The longer she sits on the shelf, the more you start wondering if there’s a ghost in the attic or a leak in the basement.
• CC (Contingent): She says she’s engaged, but there’s no ring on her finger—the “due diligence period.” The wedding may still be called off, especially if the home inspection (or the background check) doesn’t measure up!
• BOM (Back on the Market): Ewww… something went wrong here. Definitely not a first choice. But if it’s 2 a.m., you’re three drinks in, and getting desperate, she might look pretty good. Of course, you may have to overlook the “slight foundation issues” and her spooky resemblance to the Bride of Frankenstein.
• TW (Temporarily Withdrawn): She’s not pulling the numbers she wanted. She realizes that if she wants more interest, she’s gonna have to get a facelift, fix the curb appeal, and maybe hire a professional stager to hide the clutter.
• EXPIRED: Listed, but never sells. She thinks she’s a Montecito estate, but she looks more like Yoda after a long weekend in Vegas.
• PENDING: Okay, she’s bought the dress, had the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding march has started. Technically, the groom can still back out and run screaming up the aisle (usually only happens in the movies… or if the appraisal comes in low).
• SOLD: They’re married! Happily? Who cares! It’s “Match.com” made in heaven. (Cue music) “This will be an everlasting love…” That is, until he discovers she has a raging case of dry rot, terminal fung shway, and a sagging back porch.

Note: If anything in this post offended you, please switch genders while reading. No Realtors were harmed in the making of this post. This is not for the humor-impaired. Just for fun.

Disclaimer: Pursuant to California Assembly Bill 723 (The Altered Image Transparency Act), any “glow,” “shimmer,” or “youthful vitality” detected in the aforementioned dating profiles, “New” real estate listings, or Realtor headshots from 2008, may be the result of heavy digital manipulation. Proceed with caution.